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We finally relented and agreed to a six month trial. Six years later there we were. I probably didn’t get married sooner because I didn’t want him to have to go back East. We enjoyed our life together. I took him to libraries museums and concerts. We traveled to ‘educate’ him. Meanwhile I had a great time and loved his company.He sat down after helping me get dressed and I walked over and put my arms around him. He laid his face on my thigh and I could see his eyes fill. “Do you love him Arunna?”I started to tell him what a nice guy Jitu was but I realized that he wasn’t asking about Jeff. I said “Honey I’m always going to love you and I’m going to miss you too but I’ll just be a few miles away and we’ll see each other all the time – I promise.” He was unconvinced but he smiled and said “sure.” He kissed me softly on the lips and said “I’m here when you need me.”That was ten months ago; ten months before life got soap opera complicated. I was now spending a lot of time with Deepesh. Reality isn’t so hard to face when you cut off feelings altogether. But this is a dangerous path. It can help you overcome the loneliness you feel but replaces it with a cold steel sort of apathy. I have been using this unfeeling method lately and I feel it has soured our good moments. The last night we spent together was hot and steamy as always.But the feelings that come when we leave each other never came. I wasn’t broken and unstable. I was cold and accepting of our denied relationship. Locking us away as a dream and nothing more. Sometimes, spending entire days convinces myself that we are only a dream and that nothing ever happened between us. We are just characters in one of my stories and nothing more.It made it easier for me to face the unknowing world. I think that there is a huge difference between bottling up frustrations and refusing to feel them altogether. If you bottle up everything, it still exists. Somewhere in the back of your mind or the smallest crevice of your.
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